


Another Failure

by cleste09



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Blood, Car Accidents, Drabble, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-26
Updated: 2015-10-11
Packaged: 2018-04-11 08:27:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4428350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cleste09/pseuds/cleste09
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Another failure, though not through his own fault but the voice in his head convinces him otherwise.</p><p>A collection of drabbles which depict the depressing side of Kimi in handling bad races...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hungary 2015

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning: Self-harm, Suicide attempt, possible death
> 
> Ambiguous ending though so let your imagination run wild. 
> 
> As usual, I do not own any characters in this fiction. None of this happened in real life.

Another failure. Another shit day in the office. Nothing’s new.

_Because you’re a failure through and through. The voice in his head chimed at him._

No. I’m not a failure.

_Yes you are. Look at yourself. How pathetic you are…_

No. I tried my best. I matched Sebastian. I was on course for the podium. The car failed me.

_Because even the car hates you. You’re worth nothing. You don’t deserve anything…_

…

“NO!!!” Kimi shouted but it wasn’t loud. He was sat on the floor of his hotel room. The team was out celebrating with Sebastian which he opted not to go.

He was sat there, the voice in his head telling him the usual things that he had known for a long time. The voice had been there since last year. It was getting louder nowadays. He didn’t know why.

He had taken a handful of painkillers to stop the awful throbbing in his head and he felt a bit groggy from it. He knew he had taken a bit more than what was prescribed but he needed the relief. The pain was making the voice louder and making him feel 10 times worse.

_You’re worth nothing, Raikkonen. You shouldn’t be here in the first place. Look at you. Look how pathetic you are compared to Vettel. The team doesn’t want you. No one wants you. Why are you here, showing off your pathetic self to the world…?_

Kimi shook his head in reply to the voice. He was trembling even more now.

‘No…’ he mumbled, replying to the degrading words the voice was telling him.

Without realising it, Kimi had grabbed hold of the pocket knife which he had placed beside him earlier on. His hand trembled and shook as he kept shaking his head in reply to the voice, who continued on telling him how pathetic he was.

_Go ahead. Do it. You know you deserve it. You deserve death, not a life. No one wants you. No one appreciates you…_

Kimi let out a muffled moan of pain as the knife slashes on his wrists. It was an accurate slash on his vein and blood started spluttering out of his wound. The painkillers were doing a good job so the pain from the wound didn’t register in his mind.

_See, you love it don’t you? You’re just a pathetic guy. Let everything end today. Nobody will mourn you. No one will miss you…_

Kimi let out another cry as he slashed his wrist again, the blood gushing out even more now. He was pale and panting but his hand just continued the methodical slashing of the knife on his arm. Blood trickling down, staining the carpets and his Ferrari shirt.

…

Sebastian didn't feel very well. He felt that something was very off. His instinct told him something was going to happen and he didn’t like that feeling.

So when he was told that Kimi decided not to turn up for the party, he knew something was wrong. He excused himself, telling the team he’ll be at the party a bit later and he went to look for Kimi. He knocked on the door to Kimi’s room but there was no answer. He didn’t feel good.

‘Kimi! Open up! It’s me!’ Sebastian shouted through the door, trying to get a response from inside.

But there was none.

_‘Maybe he went to get a beer at the bar?’ Sebastian thought to himself._

He wasn’t convinced though. He kept knocking and then tried phoning the front desk for help.

A lady from the front desk came over 10 minutes later with the spare key and let Sebastian help himself in.

The sight he saw would haunt him for years to come.

‘Kimi!!!!!’ he shouted, rushing over.

Kimi was slumped against the bed on the floor, pale and cold while there were thin yet deep wounds, criss crossing along his arms. The gash on his wrists was the deepest and blood was still gushing out. Sebastian frantically took off his shirt and tried to help stop the bleeding.

‘Call an ambulance!!!’ he shouted to the lady while he turned his attention to Kimi, who was breathing slowly but still conscious.

‘Kimi, Kimi! Stay with me… Please…’ Sebastian said, begging him.

‘Tell… tell him to stop… tell him…’ Kimi mumbled.

Sebastian had no idea what Kimi was talking about but he didn’t have a chance to know as Kimi slipped off to unconsciousness….

‘KIMI!!!!’ the anguish, sadness and fear in Sebastian’s voice said it all…

 

 


	2. Russia 2015

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Suicide attempt, car accidents, depression, etc. 
> 
> Based after the Russian GP 2015 race. 
> 
> I do not own any of the characters here and none of this happened in real life.

Sebastian was worried. 

He had been trying to contact Kimi after he had finished all of his media commitments. He had heard from Britta that Kimi had left the circuit right after his time in the stewards room, which was only 5 minutes ago. He should be able to answer the call but he didn't. 

It was obvious to Britta that Sebastian was deeply concerned. It was too easy to read off his face. 

"It was a racing accident..." Sebastian mused as he stood in his room in the motorhome, watching the screens as it showed the repeat of Kimi's collision with Bottas. 

Clearly, the stewards didn't think so. 

Just 2 minutes later, they had declared Kimi was at fault and a 20-second time penalty will be applied to his finishing time. This meant Mercedes was constructor's champions of 2015. 

Sebastian listened to the roar of cheers from the neighbouring motorhome and sighed. 

_Fucking pick up the phone..._

...

Kimi's hands clutched onto the steering wheel hard as he sped off on the expressway. 

_You're a fucking useless prick._

Kimi closed his eyes. The voice was back. Of course it would be back to taunt him. Everything was his fault, no matter what the circumstances were. 

_Making such rookie mistakes. You think you're a world champion? You're undeserving, Kimi. Useless._

Kimi opened his eyes again as his foot pressed harder on the accelerator. He was getting faster on the empty expressway, the Black Sea by the side. 

_Going fast? You can never be as quick as Sebastian. Why bother? Why stay on?_

"FUCK OFF!" Kimi shouted, his eyes strained as he stared at the road ahead, trying to get the voice to shut up. 

_Don't bother. You're useless, worthless and nobody cares. Maurizio doesn't even care about you. Your purpose is just to keep their golden boy happy..._

"NO!" He shouted again as he tightened his grip on the steering wheel. He wasn't anything like what the voice was saying. He definitely wasn't kept on to keep Sebastian happy.... or was he?

He started to doubt himself. Maybe that's just it? They kept him not because he was a competent racing driver but just a toy to keep their golden boy happy. Their future, their glory, their next world champion. 

_Yes, just that. You're just that. A glory hole for their golden boy to fuck over so he remains happy._

Kimi felt the tears welling up in his eyes as he stared ahead. He felt himself switching lanes to the inner lane which was closest to the Black Sea. 

"No... It's not like that..." he whispered, shaking his head. 

_What? You think he really loves you? He's fucking using you. That's your purpose._

"No..." he whispered again, fighting hard to disagree but he knew he was losing the battle. 

"It's always my fault..." he whispered to himself as a string of tears trickled down his cheeks to his chin, dripping down onto his lap. 

"Sorry..." he whispered again before closing his eyes as he slammed hard on the brakes, letting the car lose control as he let go of the steering wheel...

...

Sebastian was about to leave the circuit as it was getting darker but he was startled by a frantic-looking Maurizio barging into the motorhome. His face was pale and clearly it wasn't of any good news. Just then, TVs all around their motorhome started showing the breaking news of a silver Ferrari spinning off into the Black Sea just 10km away from the Sochi circuit. 

As the footage started showing the silver Ferrari, Sebastian went cold. 

"No..." he let out a whisper. 

The camera zoomed into the car and when Sebastian saw the number plate, he felt his knees went weak. 

_"The driver of the car, believed to be Kimi Raikkonen, who had just completed his F1 race an hour ago, was found strapped in the car as safety efforts continues to recover the car. Medics are currently attending to the 2007 World Champion as we speak but reports are clearly showing it doesn't look good for the F1 driver."_

Maurizio grabbed hold of Sebastian as he was on the verge of fainting. 

"Save him.. please..." Sebastian let himself cry in front of everyone. 

...

_10 days._

_10 days since you have been rescued yet you are still asleep, deep in coma._

_When are you going to wake up?_

_Don't you know I've been here... waiting for you to wake up?_

_I can't leave you here like that. We still have a race to go._

_We should be racing together, not like this._

_Kimi..._

_Please, wake up..._

_Don't... don't leave me behind..._  

...

"Sebastian..." a faint, hoarse voice called out to him, which startled him out of his nap. 

He looked up and saw Kimi, battered and bruised but clearly with his eyes opened. Seb quickly jumped off his chair, cupping Kimi's face, caressing his stubbly chin as he couldn't keep in his tears. 

"Fuck Kimi... You.. You're awake. You gave me a scare!! Don't... Don't ever do it again! Please...' He begged him but it was clear to see how relieved Sebastian was. 

Kimi looked at him with a pained expression. Sebastian stroke his cheek softly as he pressed the bell to alert the nurse. 

"It's the voice again, right?' Sebastian asked in Finnish. 

Kimi closed his eyes and nodded, trying to look away but Sebastian made sure he was looking at him. 

"We will get rid of him together, okay? We will get through this...' he whispered. He didn't want Kimi to lose this battle. It wasn't worth it. The desire inside him to win this war grew stronger. 

Kimi just nodded. 

"We will... rakas..." Sebastian said, planting a kiss on his forehead as he held onto Kimi's bandaged hand, never letting him go again. 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've written this before the stewards announce the decision so it might be different from reality. It's fiction anyway.


End file.
